It's not easy.... Being a mom

I always thought being a mom would be easy for me, that I would be a natural at all things mommyish.  I mean come on is been a nurse in a pediatric ER for 7 years before I decided to have kids, and people were always asking me did I have kids?  When I would reply no they would say but your so good with kids your gonna be a great mom one day.  Most of the jobs I've had throughout life have involved taking care of others peoples children.  I've done babysitting, nannying, and been a camp counselor to girls of all ages.  I loved it all of it!! My mom was a home daycare provider and she rocked it, and sometimes I helped and we made a kick ass team.  As evidenced by the fact no one died and very few of them bled, well except this one kid but we don't count him cause his nose would bleed if you looked at it wrong.  Then Casey and I got pregnant, and while I was not overly confident I knew that I could handle being a mom.  Then my son came early, my hormones raged and sleep was something to daydream about.  I fell apart in a nano second, everything I thought I could and would do right seemed to go so wrong.  My son was not this happy smiley baby who loved to be swaddled and sleep on his back, and just latched right away.  He was this jaundiced zombie who stunk at latching hated being swaddled and despised sleeping on his back!!  I spent the first six months just trying to stay above water!  Then things got easier he got easier and we developed a sort of flow, and I thought, "YES!! I am good at this".  Then today my son refused to nap for two straight hours, he had his milk, lunch clean diaper, snuggles and even an attempt to let him cry it out that resulted in a choking fit and a snot faced baby.  So I resorted to desperate measures I let the car put my child to sleep, I got a Starbucks, and then sat in my car in my garage and let him sleep.  Yet again thinking what in the world am I doing?? Then it dawned on me all these kids that I was sooo great with they weren't MY kid.  Kids that you see every now and again are easy,  you know their boundaries because their parents have given them to you.  But in this case I'm the parent, and it's up to me to figure out MY kid, and everyday is different.  So today he took a nap in the car I had a Starbucks and then we had a picnic in the middle of the kitchen, and it was good.